I'm just gonna say it - it's much easier to be a complete fuck up than it is to not be one.
Doing what you're supposed to do is never something I've been good at. In theory, sure, it all sounds great. Yeah - I can do that. But the reality is that I would much rather be lying in a field somewhere, blitzed out of my mind with my headphones on, listening to music, staring up at the clouds and thinking about the empire I will build. Doesn't that sound marvelous? Well, if you're not a complete fuck up you might not relate to that. But to all you fuck ups out there: I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a paradox of sorts, though, because I am extremely - driven. I have something I want to achieve, and I'm smart enough to look around and see the reality - my reality - and say:
Well, Beata, if you want that you're going to have to make it happen.
Nobody's going to hand it to you.
Oh. Shit. Alright then...
I could write quite a bit about "how" and "when" I made this realization. It was somewhere in the late 90s when my withdrawals from the "International Bank of Entitlement" had dried up. It was a slow process, but I got there!
The thing I've learned about myself is I'm really good coming out of the gate. I can come up with the concepts - I can visualize castles, empires, universes! I love to talk about the process! And to be honest with you, I can even lay the foundation. The problems start when reality sets in... the actual work... things that can't just be talked around. Things like working with others, taxes, social and professional expectations. While I'm great at dreaming it up, I struggle with the follow-through for sure. A mixture of laziness, frustration, and extreme self-doubt starts to creep in, and - before I know it - I'm gone.
While I can lay a beautiful foundation, it is not always a conventional one. I work from another set of plans that might look to "professionals
" a bit off,
but make perfect sense to me, and are usually a lot more straightforward than what the professional would typically give. But I've also learned that "straightforward" is not a language people really like to speak.
So, anyway, when shit gets real, I can become disillusioned and frustrated. I become a causality of my own cliche: I'm an artist man don't you get it?
When I "peel the onion" so I stop talking about my process and actually live it - well, it's not that exciting. It's mile 7 in a 14 mile marathon. It's: Wait, why am I doing this again?
But HEDGEHOUSE is different. It is my triumph because even though the pull to just "fuck off" is constant, I show up, every day. It is a manifestation of all my experiences and it is making me complete. It is solid, and in turn, it makes me solid. It is me being able to say, "I can show up for the 8th mile" even when I fuck up.
It is a fantastic daydream kept in check. It is a reality that affords me the daydream. I learn
and I grow
emotionally here and I do it
with what I hope is some humility, a little grace, and a shitload of humor
So the "stoned, blitzed out, headphones in a field" appointment will have to wait a bit longer.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE TURNED IT AROUND: